I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
