Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
