Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
