saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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