Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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