my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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