Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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