I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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