May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
