I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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