My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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