I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
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Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
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do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.