it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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