Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
