my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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