oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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