Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
