Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
