I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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