so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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