Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
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Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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