I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
