Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
