I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
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Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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