Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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