dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
