i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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