He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
