I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
