No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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