Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
