I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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