Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
