update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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