I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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