you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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