i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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