I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
