I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
