At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
