Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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