the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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