what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
