two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
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she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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