I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
