Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
