cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
