Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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