I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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