And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
