Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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