Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
