Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
