omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
