Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
