We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
