You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
