I puked a lego.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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