She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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